Wellness

Sydney Morning Herald

Wednesday December 31, 2008

JOHN SHARPE

SAY farewell to expensive gyms in the new year - the only personal trainers will be those on your feet. New exercises will be budget-friendly such as lifting the baby, pushing the lawn mower or using yourself as the leaf blower.

Booming new trends include Russian Kettlebells - they are like dumbbells only smarter and are used by Russian special forces. If you want eight-kilogram balls of steel, they are the way to go!

Also new is anti-gravity yoga (great for astronauts) and vibrating exercise beds for a full workout as you sleep.

Nintendo's success with the Wii fitness computer game will spawn copycat efforts with exercise software on iPhones, iPods and netbooks. Be careful who you sit next to on the train.

Baby boomers will embrace emotional fitness as they are too tired to exercise the old way and can't work the technology to do it the new way.

Medical breakthroughs will include MYOB (Mend Your Own Body) software, which will help you grow replacement organs at home, organically (inkjet printer, special paper and origami skills required).

In 2009, the government's initiative, Preventive Health Operation Overlord (PHOO) will combat tobacco, alcohol and obesity.

In this real-time strategy, excessive drinkers, smokers and eaters will be targeted by spy satellites and Google Pubview, then PHOO Rangers will be dispatched to snatch the beer, fags, pies or all three from the miscreants' hands and fine them.

Rangers will also give on-the-spot bowel cancer screening and be specially trained in the public humiliation of fat children.

The alcopop ban will successfully save teenagers who are too stupid to add rum to cola themselves.

In new fads, following the success of Vitamin Water comes Vitamin Air - a timed spray that invisibly adds vital micronutrients to your home or workspace to re-energise your chakra.

Food lines will include Liver-Cleansing Vitamin Beer, Fat-Burning Antioxidant Pies and Negative-Calorie Detox Doughnuts.

Explore a variety of wellness modalities. Yoga is for posers, Pilates for smarties. Aquapuncture is good for swimmers, but cupping sucks. Iridology is worth a look.

Wellness tip: crystals can heal relationships - and the best ones are called "diamonds".